sex tips that put the ‘mort’ in ‘un petit mort’

The late October sunshine lulled me into a false sense that summer had not ended, but the pervasive chill in the air and all too frequent posts about pumpkin spiced lattes is an undeniable reminder that autumn has come to haunt us again.

With Halloween just around the corner, here are some ways YOU could spice up your sex life this Halloween (no pumpkin necessary).

Finding someone to shag is half the hassle, so if you’re looking to snare a ‘winter boyfriend/girlfriend’ lather your body in self-tanner. You should end up a shade of a pumpkin which should entice a mate who appreciates all things spooky.

This might however, inadvertently cause Joey Essex types to come flocking to your door, as they also seem to love this festive skin dye. Studies have been done and we have no clear explanation as why, but several theories circulating in the academic community posit that TOWIE types and pumpkins share the same IQ and they are making attempts to cross-breed into their final form: a pumpkin with teeth. Rumours in the writing community suggest that Joey Essex is still submitting his erotic novel ’50 shades of orange’ to publishers to no avail.

If a more sickly pallor is what really gets your blood pumping then befriend the hottest person you know. They will undoubtedly be a vampire as all attractive people are- after all, did you ever see an ugly vampire in Twilight?

Vampires are particularly attentive partners and will do all sorts of romantic things like watching you sleep, and whispering sweet nothings like “You smell so delicious I could eat you” into your ear.  

We recommend app Twinder to find your blood-lusting counterpart.

Be warned that vampires have a penchant for a Bloody Mary or two, and if they get hangry you could find yourself with your head chopped off and a celery stick rammed down your common carotid artery.

So, use protection and always take some tomato juice with you on dates (a little holy water wouldn’t go amiss either).

Feeling frisky after work?

Instead of bringing wine home, just buy a sharp kitchen knife and hack your way through the front door. Your partner will be so relieved it’s just you with a knife that they will instantly fall into bed. For a Norman Bates twist, try this in the shower while dressed as your mother.

Just as Eminem says in his famous song ‘FACK’ having a gerbil nibble on your asshole ‘feels so fucking good’, but to give things a little spooky spin collect some spiders in a jar and place said jar against your partner’s rectum; they will love the gentle tickle of their legs. Alternatively, shake the jar before using it (lid on of course) to give the little wrigglers a bit more bite (literally).

For many, pain cusps on pleasure, so on All Hallow’s Eve, why don’t you take a leaf out of sex goddess Annie Wilkes’ book? Tie your partner’s hands and feet to the bed before taking out your huge, rock hard mallet, and shattering both their ankles. They will let out an almighty howl and the neighbours will be dead jealous of your fantastic sex life.

The only negative is, you might have to clean the soiled sheets later, and you sure as hell won’t be getting any help from your lazy partner!

Last but not least, remember to take advantage of any situation that presents itself naturally: if you start your period while having sex, just pretend you’re dying. Your boyfriend will be utterly flattered that his giant member has ruptured your internal organs.

For those of you without a willing victim, get out there and go get yourself some phantom dick. Not literally, but metaphysically. Use a ouija to entice some randy spirits. Who said sexting was only possible on your iPhone?